Sarcasm Kills me Everytime

I've been asdf a lot lately, and IDK why people write in acronyms or web language WTF! are they thinking of writing like that ROFL, why don't you STFU and GTFO!

Stoopid pipol.

Holy Grandma Spatula!

I was hanging out whit the guys and my new date, and even though my friends can be the filthiest, nastiest and awful people on earth, they thought that Susan curse too much.

So, since I'm a good friend I told Susan about it and she asked me for another opportunity, and I let her come with me to this hang out.

We were drinking beer and stuff, when Chris started to talk to Susan, because he thought that she was interesting after all... the conversation goes like this: 

-Chris: Hey, how was the class?

-Susan: good, good.

-Ale: (whispering) He's trying to start a conversation with you.

-Susan: Yeah, it was good, But the Fucking teacher was being a dumbass jerk, with the   fuckin grades, he was being an asshole.

That didn't work out that well.  

'Fending Fucking Friend, Fought Flaytes from Friend's Failure, Falling Fanges

We were fighting against a group of flaytes, when one of them punched me on the tooth.

My friend Laura got angry and shout:

YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!...

then hit that flayte on the face so hard, that he felt down on the floor...

And I said something I wanted to say for a long time:

Where's your FUCKING Daddy Yankee now?

It sounded better in my head.

Honey, this is just the beggining.

So I was standing there looking around listening to Kate Micucci, when suddenly IT hit me!

I'm growing up, I have to spend my life working, I have to make money so my little baby can grow well and without worries, So that I can create the family that I want with Ms. Lily and our little Bean.

And, I know, I'm aware of all this since a while now, but now was when it actually made me realize that I'm happy with that...

That everything that is coming for me, is AWESOME!

Diapers

Crying at Night

Hunger

Worried about Incomes

I can´t wait!

I'm Fucking Happy!

the best story of my life o.o

Few people have believed my story, because even though it is a very plausible story, no one thinks that it could have happened to me, that I have never been very lucky in my life.

I was walking through the seashore when i watched a bottle with a piece of paper in it, I opened it up and the paper had written:

"The person who finds this, will get half of my fortune. call my lawyer Fred Muntz, and he will understand."

And turned out to be true!

I got 20 bucks and I bought a used bycicle.

I crashed it two days later, but I was very lucky to find that bottle that day...

right?

Analogy Monology!

I was talking with my friends... Ok, I have to say that are my friends.

me: I rather to have a tender girlfriend than a HOT girlfriend.

My friend tells me:

So, you rather to fuck a puppy than a grilled sandwich?

How the FUCK does he get these analogies?

'Cause bad Hearing sometimes is Good

I was going to sit with my "friend" CA, but I stopped when i heard this:

OH Come On! If your ovaries were inside out, I would licked them. Now, pleeeeease, suck my external ovaries!

And then I left for good.

I don't think it's a good idea.

You're just like anyone.

Ok...

Let's put it this way... there's a concert, to gather funds for AIDS cure; and every person who goes to the concert pays their tickets and go inside.

They give a blood sample, to help people with AIDS or for the research for cure.

And it's being held by the Red-ish Cross, an organization never-heard-of.

You're going to that concert knowing that you're one of the last people to get in the place, and they ran out of needles.

Would you go inside?

And if in that group of people, on line, one of them has Tuberculosis, he's treating it... but still, have some sympthoms.

Would you stand next to him?

How Much Do GAY Costs?

I was at Blondie's, with my girlfriend and "friends".

Girlfriend:Look, there are a lot of Gay People!

CM: yeah, but I don't understand why, if it's just BritPOP party...

CA: ehm, you ansewered yourself.

Me: OK, I'm starting to feel a little nervous, that guy is watching my pants...

CA: let me dare you to something...

Me: What?

CA: If you dance with that guy I'll give you $10.000 pesos.

Girlfriend: NO

Me: My girlfriend said no, so...

Girlfriend: you should kiss him... that costs $10.000 pesos

Me: wow, you really love me...

MC: mmm...

Me: what do you say? should I?

MC: If I were you, I could Blow him up 'til he was so skinny like that guy/girl over there.

Me: too much information

Then I left, again.

Great having you back, YOU FUCKING PIG WHORE, BITCH, HOOKER, SLUT!

My first day of my last year on high school...

I got up early, beacuse my girlfriend, was coming back from her vacations in New York!

I was waiting in class, because she was late... but I don't care! I'm going to see her after three months, two weeks and three days without her!

The door opens...
IT'S HER!

She seats next to me, I try to kiss her, but she doesn't let me.

-We need to talk

-OK...

Silence

- So... talk...

-Not now, at break time...

The longest hour and a half of my life later...

-This is not easy to say... I know is the first time we see each other since a long time, and I need to be true with my feelings... I cheated on you...

I'm standing steel, looking at her, in silence, my eyes wide open

-And...

-OH, IT GETS BETTER!

- Ale, ok... uff, this is hard... I'm pregnant.

:o...

-Bu... but, you were virgin before you left...

I know, I'm sorry... I met this guy and... I'm sorry, I'm really-really sorry...

-How, much time have you been... stucking meat in your filthy...

Interrupts me
-Ale...

-Ok, I'm sorry, ehm... How long have you been humping cocks?

-Ale... ok, I deserve it... uhm... Three months, Probably more I don't know...

-So... like two weeks and you've already turned into a dick-getting... what happen with... the love, and the... ehm... waiting 'til get married... and the phone calls... Wait a minute! that time when I called you and some guy said I'm coming!... and you were moaning, it wasn't a race between friends!? OH FOR FUCK SAKE! you...

-Please, don't cry...

-Oh, don't you worry! you mean by this tears, noooo, NO! this are just because I'm allergic to WHORES like you!

Seconds later I think I started to puke blood, I dont want to remember this actually.

Keep it in Mind.

I was walking to the bathroom, when suddenly, one of my "friends"...

-Hey!

I slowly turn around, disgusted.

-I have a problem.

-Can you tell to someone else? like... a friend?

He interrupts me
-Is my girlfriend... I think she's cheating on me.

-But, are you sure? I mean, she's been your girlfriend for... what, like 2 years now?... and besides how can you be mad if you cheat on her, almost every week? Does she know you are going to be a dad?

-Look, that's not what we're talking now. I just have this feeling in my guts, it's similar to a fart, but a little solid, that she's cheating on me.

-Look, I don't think that she's cheating on you, she's a nice girl.

-NO, NO don't you come here with that bullshit! you see, there are two types of women: the sluts and the hypocritical sluts. ok? keep that on your mind.

-What do you mean with: Hypocritical sluts?

-You know! the girls are all sluts, they always want to get pregnant having sex, with any guy who comes to her, and there are the Hypocritical sluts, which are the ones who want sex, but they say No, until you gave them flowers, and they give you their flower... if you know what I mean...
Starts doing gestures with his tongue.

-WOW!, you just opened my mind to a whole different point of view... you're just...

I start to walk away to the bathroom and I said to myself...

a bastard sonofthebitch...

I'm having Lunch with my old high school friends... I just listen.

Girls that could be the best girlfriend ever!

Ehm... what about... a Mute?

Yes! that's what I was thinking about! She can't say anything if you're doing something bad...

(I talk)Yeah, but she can hit you in the face, instead of arguing.

They just look at me, then my friends says...

A blind girl... she just "feels", so I can share it with my friends if I want to.

(I talk)Wow, you always thinking on the others...

What can I say? I'm a good friend... And Ale... what do you think?

(Silence) ehrm... I don't want to ta...

(Interrupting me) A GIRL WITH CANCER!...

YEAH!... why?

She had the quimio, she is dizzy, and... THE BEST OF ALL...
Doesn't have any hair! if you know what I mean...oohh... sure.

THEY STARTED TO DO THINGS WITH THEIR TONGUE

At that time I'm was gone... Literally... I left for good.

Because I deserve it every once in a while.

I'm sitting on a bar table, Alone... as Always...
You know I like being alone...

Hi... a girl talks to me

I just nod.

You want to have a drink with me?
No, thanks... I'm waiting for my Girlfriend.
I've seen you since you got here, 2 hours ago...

damn it!

Look I'm sorry, I want to be alone...

You won't be alone if you let me talk to you...

I think about it... I have no choice

I FART... a big one.

the girl just stand up from my side and goes to her table, starts talking with her friends and the waiter who's serving them...

I just light a CIGARRETE

The waiter comes to me...I'm sorry Sir, but I'll have to ask you to leave...

WHAT!? ONLY BECAUSE I FARTED, FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING CUNT TELLER! FUCK YOU!

Sir... You have to leave because this is a NON-SMOKER place...

(akward silence)

See, see what you've done for sitting on my side...

I Better Get Going.